A Widely Syndicated Column of Inane Advice
Hobo and Blind Girl aren’t destitute because they’re stupid. They’re destitute because they choose to give freely of their time to solve the world’s minor social problems. The wisdom of the streets lives in Hobo and Blind Girl.
I constantly battle feelings of worthlessness. In spite of the love and patience of my longtime girlfriend and the support of a network of friends who continually reassure me of my value, I’m unable to maintain any meaningful level of confidence. What’s wrong with me?
– Searching for Self-Esteem
Hobo: You got it right the first time, Searching. You’re worthless. Next question.
Blind Girl: First of all, you have to understand that self-esteem and confidence cannot come from others. While it’s excellent that you have a loving girlfriend and supportive friends on which to lean, it is ultimately up to you.
Hobo: So look inside yourself, Searching. Do you see light, beauty, compassion and strength? No? I didn’t think so. Next question.
Blind Girl: As you can see from Hobo’s response, Searching, this is exactly why you cannot rely on others for confidence. There will always be those people out there who try to shoot you down and if your self-esteem hinges on external sources, you will be easily rattled. Hobo, himself, suffers from this problem. Because he has little to no self-confidence, he hides this with an inflated ego and attempts to make himself feel better by cutting down and judging others. Trust me, you don’t want emulate Hobo in any way.
Hobo: Not true. Some men need families, expensive SUVs, or three-story homes to create a false sense of confidence and accomplishment. I need nothing. A few dollars for a pint of bourbon, the occasional BJ from Blind Girl’s mom…
Maybe this is what you need, Searching. You talk of your girlfriend’s “love and patience,” but what, really, has she done for you lately? Statistics show that the ego of a person otherwise lacking in confidence can subsist for years, even the majority of a lifetime, through the debasement of a weaker, submissive partner. If you can learn to appropriately harness and direct your girlfriend’s already pathetic devotion into slavishness… it warms my heart to think of the outcome. It’s a ready-made, All-American scenario of manipulation.
Blind Girl: Sex, drugs and alcohol, consumerism—all of these can provide instant gratification. However, they are examples of external remedies. When used to fill a void or to create short term “happiness,” they will only end up leaving that person with a feeling of emptiness. This is how addictions start.
I suggest getting involved in something new. Volunteering gives you confidence because you see first hand how you can make a difference in someone’s life. Contact your local homeless shelter or sign up for the Big Brother program. You can also try to learn a new skill or take a class. Setting goals and accomplishing them boosts confidence.
Although this sounds cliché, perhaps the most important thing you can do is to stop the negative thoughts you have about yourself. What does this negativity accomplish? Nothing. Once you start to beat yourself up mentally—STOP. Learn to treat yourself how you expect others to treat you. You are just as deserving as everyone else. If you want a haircut, treat yourself to a haircut. If you want fifteen minutes alone in the morning to read, take those fifteen minutes for yourself.
Hobo: If you have to serve me soup to make you feel better about your miserable, meaningless life, fine. Go light on the broth, huh? As for Big Brother, well, I wouldn’t leave my kid with a joyless prick like you.
That’s all the empathy I have for you, Searching. Maybe next week we’ll get a reader with a real problem.
Do you have a question for Hobo and Blind Girl? Ask them anything! It’s not like they have jobs, or families, or relationships to ask trivial questions about. They are, however, occasionally able to gather enough coins for 15 minutes in the internet café, so send your question to hoboandblindgirl@gmail.com
 
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