Sobs & Laughter
Overreaction: No! UMF (and America) knows best
By Columnist HAYDEN GOLDEN -
Dear Students,
As part of the global panic over swine flu (err –H1N1) as perpetuated by virtually all the western nations as well as the UN and WHO, we at UMF, want to encourage you to also be panicked and to act in complete disregard of rational thought. Forget that there were over 10,000 cases of Tuberculosis last year. We also want you forget about the rise of Hepatitis C, HIV/AIDS, and Polio because those are nothing compared to the swine flu, or at least the apocalyptic images we plan to provide, with something along the lines of the plague or the Spanish influenza of 1918 (heretofore referred to as WorldFlu I, so as not to confuse people who might believe that close interaction with Spaniards will result in death.)
Everyone should get their Tamiflu® shot. It has never been tested on humans; its production has essentially been financed by the government; it has over thirty ingredients that you cannot pronounce; but please, get a nice prick in the arm for us and the betterment of your community. Of course, you should not endure pain just for us, you are the most at-risk group for H1N1 along with health-care workers, the elderly, pregnant women, pharmacists, those working in the travel industry, and those with chronic health problems including asthma, respiratory infections, diabetes, cardiovascular disease, and HIV. But of all those groups, you are the most at risk for contracting H1N1.
There will be people who say the H1N1 vaccination is in complete defiance of evolutionary practices because it is not actually helping you to become immune and therefore, stronger. Please ignore them. Who cares about making a stronger human race built on evolution. Tamiflu® will help you now! And isn’t that what society is all about, immediate gratification? Also, please do not read any European newspapers as you might think that a whole continent of governments telling their citizens not to get vaccinated is some sort of pattern reflecting moderate intelligence, but that is just preposterous. Furthermore, please ignore the over 35,000 deaths and over 200,000 hospitalizations from last year’s ordinary flu. Finally, please remember that while the H1N1 hype may be a national ploy to institute Orwellian policies which invade your individual rights (see Massachusetts emergency health legislation from last month) and prepare you for life after a bio-chemical terrorist attack (i.e. martial law) we are only a small university and have no interest in any of that, only in your academic success.
Finally, please be conscious of your temperature by keeping a thermometer with you at all times as well as maintaining a safe six-foot distance from everyone else once flu season begins. Just know that mucus from sneezing can travel up to six feet…so on second thought, maybe an eight-foot distance from everyone would be prudent. No interaction this flu season will make you healthier! We know that we have asked you to forget a lot at this point, but this is an important panic and there is only one thing to remember: we would not lie to you or make any subtle attempts at controlling how you see this issue, as long as you remain panicked at all times.
 
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