Dear Bite,
   When I shop for clothes, I like to keep up with trends and wear stuff that helps make me feel sexy. But lately my boyfriend has been telling me that my clothes are too revealing and that I shouldn’t wear them because they make me look skanky. Is he right?
-Fashionably Confused

Dear Confused,
Eat. Him. Roast him on a spit and devour the bastard. Be sure to have a drink with your meal as misogynistic slut-shaming leaves a nasty aftertaste. Problem solved.

Dear Bite,
   My laundry and homework are piling up and tik tok really is taking over my life. What are ways to break my obsessive tik tok binges?
– Tik Tok Go My Deadlines

Dear Deadlines,
   Bold of you to assume there’s a way out. Afterall, the birds work for the bourgeoisie and it’s all an elaborate scheme concocted under Reagan in 1986. . .The beavers are next.

Dear Bite,
   I think it’s the end of times in FAB. I heard about that girl who found the snake in the elevator and twice now I’ve gone into the study lounge on the fifth floor and found black hornets in there. I just want to do my homework without the fear of death. Are these like omens of armageddon? Who do I contact about this?
-Bugging Out

Dear Bugging Out,
Yeah it’s definitely the end. And I think to really capture that end-of-the-world spirit, you should start capturing all the creepy-crawlies you find and once you have a plague-sized amount, release them like the biblical swarms of locusts. I think you’ll get facilities’ attention that way.

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