Dear Bite,
I keep getting late night texts from this guy, asking if I want to get coffee or see a movie but I’m not sure if he’s being friendly or trying to flirt. Should I ask, and how do I do that without making things weird?
-Missing Signals
Dear Signals,
Make coffee for him and write at the bottom of his cup, “You’re poisoned. Date me for the antidote.” Whether or not there’s actually poison is up to you, I hear placebo effects are pretty wild. This is how the truest of loves begin.
Dear Bite,
It’s your mother. I just wanted to check in because you haven’t called in awhile. Do you know your cousin just got engaged to a doctor? Funny, I can’t remember the last time you brought someone home for dinner. One of my best friends in college was gay, you know, and we were friends for years.
-Love, Mom
God dammit Mom,
How did you even find out about this column? You can’t say things like that, it’s rude. . .my friends read this and now they’re going to think I’m weird- well, weirder than usual. And maybe I’d bring people home to visit, if say, I don’t know, you’d stop asking about marriage and grandkids.
Dear Bite,
Someone at the Flyer table told me that I can use the backpage with your column to dry my tears if heavy news on the inside makes me cry. That won’t give me paper cuts on my eyes will it?
-This just in, I’m a little emotional
Dear Emotional,
I guarantee you that eyeball paper cuts will absolutely distract you from your sadness. But maybe since you’re trying to get advice from the other Flyer staff, instead of listening my wisdom, this how natural selection gets you.