The Bite Me Beaver – October 2021

Dear Bite, My room does not have a thermostat and it gets a bit warm, even with the windows open. I am a chilly b***h and I like the slightly cooler climates, but the radiator gives heat that I don’t need or want. How can I stop the unwanted/wasted heat from escaping the windows without baking me or our precious, precious earth? – Polar Bear

Well Polar, I don’t know much about your human heating systems, but I’m pretty sure if you break the heating system of your building the radiator stops working. But that’s too easy. We need to do more. We need to make sure the radiator never works in your room ever again. So when you break the heating system of your building, don’t just break it with an axe or something like that. Burn that sucker until there is nothing left but a heap of molten slag. Your radiator won’t give you any trouble, and it’ll be ironic as hell.

 

Dear Bite, My roommate’s parents came over for the family fall fest, but I find them to be really annoying people. I can tell that my roommate can read the vibe, because they keep apologizing to me. How can I survive Family Fall Fest without broadcasting how annoyed I am with my roommates parents? -Restless Roomate

Well Roomate, the biggest problem here seems to be an issue of communication. While it might not seem like it, being open about problems is often healthier than keeping it all in. So start keeping score. Purchase a megaphone and a referee costume, and start shouting foul every single time that either of your roommate’s parents does anything to annoy you. Make sure that they are aware about how you feel at all times, even when nobody else is paying attention to you. And if all else fails, at least you can drown them out with noise!

 

Dear Bite, I don’t know how I can deal with all of this stress. I was fine just a few weeks ago, but it feels like everything has picked up all of a sudden, and everything is happening at once. How can I deal with all of the work that my classes are giving me and still have time to actually talk to other people? -Flustered Frosh 

Well Frosh, I have a lot of experience in being busy. Dam construction is a hot business this year! For your case specifically I would recommend that you spend a lot of time not sleeping. You might be really tired for the first 72 hours, but after that you’ll probably start to hallucinate! That won’t make you less tired or anything though, unfortunately. At least it’ll give you something to think about instead of all the things you have to do!

The Bite Me Beaver – September 2021

Dear Bite, I’m a freshman, and currently my roommate is eating all my snacks. I have told them to ask first, but they are repeatedly ignoring my requests. Please, Bite, what should I do? -Woeful Foodie

Well foodie, If I was you I would consider other food options. Moldy cheese, for example or maybe baby food. Just go to the store and put everything that disgusts you in one big cart. I promise that if you don’t want to eat it, your roommate won’t either!

 

Dear Bite, I’m a freshman, and every Friday the room next to me gets super loud. I don’t want to be a bother, but I usually do want to be able to relax with my roommate during that time, even if it is not quiet hours. What should I do? -Relaxation Station

Well Station,  for now I would recommend that you do nothing. Spend the next few Fridays listening to all the noise, simmering in rage. When you feel that your rage is somewhere between “your father driving” and “stubbing your toe” that’s when you will know it is time to act. Go out and buy some really dark red spray paint, the kind that looks uncomfortably like blood, and spray paint “Noisy people are the first to go” on their door in bold letters. Blood sacrifice and chanting are optional parts of the process, but should be fun nonetheless. Enjoy!

 

Dear Bite, Recently I’ve started really crushing on this girl, but I don’t really know how to talk to her. We’re only in one class together, and we don’t really have any mutual friends. What do I do? -Big Simp Energy

Well Simp, you’re going about this the wrong way. Small things like getting to know the other person matter little for an enlightened being as yourself. What you need is to make an investment. Put some work in.  Get a full mariachi band to follow her around campus serenading her. Get to know her friends so they can sneak her your romantic poetry. Hire a blimp to ask her on your first date. And of course, if all of this does not work, print out your bank paperwork so you can spend your nights crying over all the money you’ve lost instead of your recent rejection. You can’t be sad for two reasons at once right?

Bite Me Beaver

Dear Bite, 

I’ve been struggling with something for awhile now that I really need to get off my chest. I am a single person surrounded by friends who are all couples which is bad enough, but on top of this I absolutely despise one of my friends’ significant others. As far as he knows we get along fine, but in reality I want the significant other gone. My question is: How do I continue? Should I keep my secret? Or totally ruin a great friendship? 

– Surrounded and Concerned

 

Dear Surrounded, 

It is twenty freaking twenty-one and stress isn’t a good look. Some may say ghost the friend or let her down gently but that’s not how we deal with things ‘round these parts. Bake her a cake, like the best friend that you are and make sure the boy toy is over when this happens. Spit is an optional ingredient here but the decoration is a must in this case. Write a cute message on the top something sweet like “choke” or “go home and don’t come back :)”. The message will be subtle and your friend will get the hint. Problem solved!

– Bite

 

 

Dear Bite, 

I am experiencing another “fur”-ustration, this time about The Landing. I see The Landing events advertised on the chalkboard and posters in the student center every day, which inspire me to participate if it sounds like something I would be interested in. However, I always seem to overestimate the number of students who attend the event – I can count the number of beavers who show up on one paw! Once, I absolutely demolished my competition in a “Name that song” contest…because it was me versus one other beaver. I am a “fur”-eshman this year, so my question is: Is this normal attendance for Landing events? Has it always been this way, or is the quarantine apathy affecting The Landing’s popularity?

– Lonely in the Landing

 

Dear Lonely,

I’ll be honest with you, I’m not the director of Student Life so I can’t tell you the analytics of The Landing. However, if you’d like to increase morale at The Landing, turn the place into a personal strip club. Grab some glitter, disco lights, singles, (and a mask) and head on down to The Landing. Easy advertising (and free I might add). Watch the folks gather around, and the lines will be out the door. 

– Bite 

 

Dear Bite, 

I’ve had some trouble starting up my small business. I sell cute secondhand clothes and knick knacks from around my house. I’ve poured my heart and soul into this business and it has flopped terribly. What can I do to entice buyers? Is there a way out of this hole? Help!

– Strapped for Cash

 

Dear Strapped,

It sounds to me that you’re selling your used junk that no one wants. If you’re that desperate for cash I suggest scoping out the market. You have a bunch of twenty-something year old students who are stressed to the max (especially at this point in the semester). I say jack the price up and include a free arrangement of “special” snacks that’ll make them feel good for a while and help them relax. Either that, or grab a garbage bag and toss your junk out. I promise it’s definitely worth it.

– Bite

Bite Me Beaver #6

Dear Bite,

     I have recently been at home, due to everything that has been going on. While I love my family and all, I can’t help but go absolutely insane when dealing with them. I have a part time job while I’m here, and while it gets me out of the house, I don’t know what’s worse–my family or my coworkers? Is there any way for me to last through these next few months without killing someone, or is that just crazy to think in itself?

-Pessimistic Polly

 

Dear Polly, 

    I completely understand where you’re coming from. I too am back at my dam and I swear I’ve gnawed through at least 3 trees already. I’ve been coping by buying my little miracle in a bottle otherwise known as melatonin. That’s right, hibernation is coming early this year folks. Three of them and I’m out like a light, they really have been a saving grace during this time.

-Bite

 

 

Dear Bite,

    I have run myself into a small dilemma (or I should say my heart has). I have started becoming more interested in my teacher than the lesson, if that makes sense. My heart throbs for him and I can’t help but almost drool over him while he lectures. I have gotten to the point where I have to turn my camera off while in class because it’s THAT obvious. Any suggestions…?

-Heart Eyes For Him

 

Dear Heart Eyes,

    Ask to stay after class for “extra help” on Zoom. Profess (no pun intended) your undying love for him, what’s the worst that could happen? He feels too awkward to fail you and risk having you in class again, so he passes you? Yes please! You got this, and remember, Zoom calls are recorded just for future record 😉

-Bite 

 

 

Dear Bite, 

     I am a faculty member here at UMF. Lately my students have been leaving my Zoom calls early. I feel like I’m just talking to an empty space (it doesn’t help that their cameras are off). Is there any way to engage my students more than I already am?

-Fuming While Zooming 

 

Dear Fuming,

     I think you could benefit from reading this article. We have a student who can’t stop staring at her professor during Zoom and yours are running away from you. May I suggest taking more so a Magic Mike method of teaching. Now I’m not saying full on strip for your class (but I’m sure it would help) but just give them a little eye candy during the lecture and I assure you attendance will skyrocket. 

-Bite 

 

 

Dear Bite, 

    I am currently in the Journalism class and I feel like no one reads my pieces. It feels like I’m putting my readers to sleep. Am I not interesting? Do the students at UMF not care about the rising water levels of the Sandy River during the rainy season? What can I do to make my articles more interesting?

-Snoring Boring  

 

Dear Snoring, 

    As an old soul with The Farmington Flyer I often preview articles before they make it into the paper and let’s just say that I find your articles riveting, but your audience doesn’t. I can attest to the falling asleep bit because, well, I have taken a small nap while reading your articles. Try writing about some hot gossip, it’s what the readers want (dare I say need). Or you can stick to writing your dry articles and putting our readers to sleep. I mean, we all need help getting to sleep sometimes.

-Bite

Bite Me Beaver

Dear Bite, 

    I have had some trouble sleeping lately. The stress of school, COVID, and the fact of just pure living has become overwhelming and I can’t sleep. Once I finally get to sleep I am awoken by my roommate thrashing around in her sleep and hitting the wall. Any suggestions?

-Tired Wreck

 

Dear Tired,

    I too have been feeling the same way lately with classes and whatnot, to get to sleep I pop a few Benadryl and I’m out cold. I know the bottle says take two but I suggest taking at least ten to insure you’ll get to sleep and not wake up. As for the roommate thing, there’s a simple solution, put thirteen inch nails through your wall right about the height of their bed. I assure you, they’ll only thrash once.

-Bite

 

 

Dear Bite,

     I’m at the FRC all the time and this cute guy keeps staring at me. I think he may be into me but I’m not sure if I should go for it or not. What do I do?

-Jacked and Jill

 

Dear Jacked,

     I would say this guy isn’t staring at you, he’s waiting for the damn machine to be open. When you spend half an hour on the shoulder press preparing this confession, he wants to use the machine. Hop off, and let the poor kid get his exercise in.

-Bite

 

 

Dear Bite,

    I have had some trouble with the dining hall food. The flavor seems to be… lacking, and as for the options well, they’re few and far between. Do you have any food places that seem to suit your fancy?

-Hungry and High End 

 

Dear Hungry,

    Last time I checked, this was an advice column, not a damn food critic review. Why don’t you hop off your high horse and go to the dining hall and get a goddamn cup of ice, zero calories, no carbs, no sugars, literally nothing. Do me a favor while you’re there, thank each and every employee for me for serving you because I sure as hell wouldn’t want to.

-With love, Bite

Bite Me Beaver

Dear Bite,

I find myself having trouble getting into the Halloween spirit. It seems as if everyone on campus is in full Halloween mode, and I’m stuck here. This may account for the fact that I do not have anyone to “trick-or-treat” with (if you know what I’m saying) I just want someone to do fun things with and maybe howl at the moon with every once in a while…

-Lone(ly) Wolf 

 

Dear Wolf,

It sounds to me like you’re having some trouble with the ladies (or men, we don’t judge here). However, you are right, Halloween is coming right around the corner but take this as an opportunity. Wear a costume each day until Halloween, essentially catfishing everyone in real life. No one will know what you look like and maybe then you’ll become UMF’s sexiest man alive. 

-Bite 

 

Dear Bite, 

We are at this point in the semester where work is piling up and up and I can’t take it anymore. This work is driving me mad. I have one professor who is super strict with deadlines and I’ve already used the “my nana died” excuse. Is there any way that I can ask for an extension without straight out saying “Yo, I suck at time management and spent the last three days on TikTok instead of doing my paper” or am I doomed?

-Procrastination Nation

 

Dear Procrastination,

We all know we are in a state of emergency, let’s use that to our advantage here. You have to put on your acting pants for this one so brace yourself. Call your professor up and complain of a terrible cough, loss of taste and smell, fever, chills, maybe even start sneezing over the phone. If your professor is up to date on any news they will want you as far away from them as possible until you’re better. Most likely they won’t even open your emails in fear of catching COVID, buying you some time. Let me know how this goes.

-Bite

 

Dear Bite,

I have a confession I need to get off my chest. I have been writing to you for a little bit now and I think I’ve caught feelings. I may not know who you are, or what you look like but damn, your responses just get me feeling some type of way. Now I know you know who I am through my emails, so if you feel the same way about me, don’t be shy and reach out. I am going out on a limb here and putting my heart on the line so please please please be gentle with your response. 

-Hopeless Romantic 

 

Dear Hopeless,

What can I say… To put things plainly, I think your signoff name was very fitting for this piece. “Hopeless”, I have way too many things to do to even think about anything romantic at this point. I will however say that yes I do know who you are (I have received countless emails from you) and to put it simply, I’d just like to keep this relationship professional. Speaking of knowing your identity, no I don’t want to go and howl at the moon with you, sorry. 

-Bite

 

Got a question that needs answering? Let Bite Me Beaver give you some horrible advice! Write into umfdearbeaver@gmail.com.