Dear Bite,
I find myself having trouble getting into the Halloween spirit. It seems as if everyone on campus is in full Halloween mode, and I’m stuck here. This may account for the fact that I do not have anyone to “trick-or-treat” with (if you know what I’m saying) I just want someone to do fun things with and maybe howl at the moon with every once in a while…
-Lone(ly) Wolf
Dear Wolf,
It sounds to me like you’re having some trouble with the ladies (or men, we don’t judge here). However, you are right, Halloween is coming right around the corner but take this as an opportunity. Wear a costume each day until Halloween, essentially catfishing everyone in real life. No one will know what you look like and maybe then you’ll become UMF’s sexiest man alive.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
We are at this point in the semester where work is piling up and up and I can’t take it anymore. This work is driving me mad. I have one professor who is super strict with deadlines and I’ve already used the “my nana died” excuse. Is there any way that I can ask for an extension without straight out saying “Yo, I suck at time management and spent the last three days on TikTok instead of doing my paper” or am I doomed?
-Procrastination Nation
Dear Procrastination,
We all know we are in a state of emergency, let’s use that to our advantage here. You have to put on your acting pants for this one so brace yourself. Call your professor up and complain of a terrible cough, loss of taste and smell, fever, chills, maybe even start sneezing over the phone. If your professor is up to date on any news they will want you as far away from them as possible until you’re better. Most likely they won’t even open your emails in fear of catching COVID, buying you some time. Let me know how this goes.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I have a confession I need to get off my chest. I have been writing to you for a little bit now and I think I’ve caught feelings. I may not know who you are, or what you look like but damn, your responses just get me feeling some type of way. Now I know you know who I am through my emails, so if you feel the same way about me, don’t be shy and reach out. I am going out on a limb here and putting my heart on the line so please please please be gentle with your response.
-Hopeless Romantic
Dear Hopeless,
What can I say… To put things plainly, I think your signoff name was very fitting for this piece. “Hopeless”, I have way too many things to do to even think about anything romantic at this point. I will however say that yes I do know who you are (I have received countless emails from you) and to put it simply, I’d just like to keep this relationship professional. Speaking of knowing your identity, no I don’t want to go and howl at the moon with you, sorry.
-Bite
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