Dear Bite,
I have had some trouble sleeping lately. The stress of school, COVID, and the fact of just pure living has become overwhelming and I can’t sleep. Once I finally get to sleep I am awoken by my roommate thrashing around in her sleep and hitting the wall. Any suggestions?
-Tired Wreck
Dear Tired,
I too have been feeling the same way lately with classes and whatnot, to get to sleep I pop a few Benadryl and I’m out cold. I know the bottle says take two but I suggest taking at least ten to insure you’ll get to sleep and not wake up. As for the roommate thing, there’s a simple solution, put thirteen inch nails through your wall right about the height of their bed. I assure you, they’ll only thrash once.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I’m at the FRC all the time and this cute guy keeps staring at me. I think he may be into me but I’m not sure if I should go for it or not. What do I do?
-Jacked and Jill
Dear Jacked,
I would say this guy isn’t staring at you, he’s waiting for the damn machine to be open. When you spend half an hour on the shoulder press preparing this confession, he wants to use the machine. Hop off, and let the poor kid get his exercise in.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I have had some trouble with the dining hall food. The flavor seems to be… lacking, and as for the options well, they’re few and far between. Do you have any food places that seem to suit your fancy?
-Hungry and High End
Dear Hungry,
Last time I checked, this was an advice column, not a damn food critic review. Why don’t you hop off your high horse and go to the dining hall and get a goddamn cup of ice, zero calories, no carbs, no sugars, literally nothing. Do me a favor while you’re there, thank each and every employee for me for serving you because I sure as hell wouldn’t want to.
-With love, Bite