Bite Me Beaver
Dear Bite,
I’ve been struggling with something for awhile now that I really need to get off my chest. I am a single person surrounded by friends who are all couples which is bad enough, but on top of this I absolutely despise one of my friends’ significant others. As far as he knows we get along fine, but in reality I want the significant other gone. My question is: How do I continue? Should I keep my secret? Or totally ruin a great friendship?
– Surrounded and Concerned
Dear Surrounded,
It is twenty freaking twenty-one and stress isn’t a good look. Some may say ghost the friend or let her down gently but that’s not how we deal with things ‘round these parts. Bake her a cake, like the best friend that you are and make sure the boy toy is over when this happens. Spit is an optional ingredient here but the decoration is a must in this case. Write a cute message on the top something sweet like “choke” or “go home and don’t come back :)”. The message will be subtle and your friend will get the hint. Problem solved!
– Bite
Dear Bite,
I am experiencing another “fur”-ustration, this time about The Landing. I see The Landing events advertised on the chalkboard and posters in the student center every day, which inspire me to participate if it sounds like something I would be interested in. However, I always seem to overestimate the number of students who attend the event – I can count the number of beavers who show up on one paw! Once, I absolutely demolished my competition in a “Name that song” contest…because it was me versus one other beaver. I am a “fur”-eshman this year, so my question is: Is this normal attendance for Landing events? Has it always been this way, or is the quarantine apathy affecting The Landing’s popularity?
– Lonely in the Landing
Dear Lonely,
I’ll be honest with you, I’m not the director of Student Life so I can’t tell you the analytics of The Landing. However, if you’d like to increase morale at The Landing, turn the place into a personal strip club. Grab some glitter, disco lights, singles, (and a mask) and head on down to The Landing. Easy advertising (and free I might add). Watch the folks gather around, and the lines will be out the door.
– Bite
Dear Bite,
I’ve had some trouble starting up my small business. I sell cute secondhand clothes and knick knacks from around my house. I’ve poured my heart and soul into this business and it has flopped terribly. What can I do to entice buyers? Is there a way out of this hole? Help!
– Strapped for Cash
Dear Strapped,
It sounds to me that you’re selling your used junk that no one wants. If you’re that desperate for cash I suggest scoping out the market. You have a bunch of twenty-something year old students who are stressed to the max (especially at this point in the semester). I say jack the price up and include a free arrangement of “special” snacks that’ll make them feel good for a while and help them relax. Either that, or grab a garbage bag and toss your junk out. I promise it’s definitely worth it.
– Bite