Dear Bite,
Everyone. Is. Sick. And I am not about that right now. I am a Clef Notes singer so my voice is my baby and if I get sick it’s all over. I’ve already tried throwing crucifixes at people and screaming, “Ya germs need Jesus!” and I don’t think it’s working. So how else do I avoid the Farmington Plague?
-Got That Pocket Full of Posies
Dear Posies,
So in highschool, if any of us art-room nerds wandered into the sculpture teacher’s room while sick, she’d spray us full in the face with Lysol like a SWAT officer with a can of mace. It stung a little around the eyes but none of us died, so you can call it safe. But we’re in college now, you have to go big or go home. Roll up to class with Lysol cans on you like ammo- like the HvZ players with their Nerf guns in the heat of game play. If someone so much as coughs, crack a can and drop that sucker on the ground like a smoke bomb. Bonus points if you ninja-roll out before the fog settles.
Dear Bite,
There’s this guy at the gym that I think might be interested in me. He has this really weird way of showing it though: he usually throws a towel at the back of my head to get my attention and has more recently challenged me to a friendly competition to see who can calf-raise more weight. There have been instances of genuine flirting but how I do respond to his. . .unusual methods?
-Falling For Boys and Over Equipment
Dear Falling,
Calf-raise him? Or is that just like. . .a drop kick? Yeah, drop kick him. That’s how soulmates find each other.
Trust me! I’m a beaver!
Until next time…
– Bite
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