Nov 12, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver, Feature |
Dear Bite,
I have had some trouble sleeping lately. The stress of school, COVID, and the fact of just pure living has become overwhelming and I can’t sleep. Once I finally get to sleep I am awoken by my roommate thrashing around in her sleep and hitting the wall. Any suggestions?
-Tired Wreck
Dear Tired,
I too have been feeling the same way lately with classes and whatnot, to get to sleep I pop a few Benadryl and I’m out cold. I know the bottle says take two but I suggest taking at least ten to insure you’ll get to sleep and not wake up. As for the roommate thing, there’s a simple solution, put thirteen inch nails through your wall right about the height of their bed. I assure you, they’ll only thrash once.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I’m at the FRC all the time and this cute guy keeps staring at me. I think he may be into me but I’m not sure if I should go for it or not. What do I do?
-Jacked and Jill
Dear Jacked,
I would say this guy isn’t staring at you, he’s waiting for the damn machine to be open. When you spend half an hour on the shoulder press preparing this confession, he wants to use the machine. Hop off, and let the poor kid get his exercise in.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I have had some trouble with the dining hall food. The flavor seems to be… lacking, and as for the options well, they’re few and far between. Do you have any food places that seem to suit your fancy?
-Hungry and High End
Dear Hungry,
Last time I checked, this was an advice column, not a damn food critic review. Why don’t you hop off your high horse and go to the dining hall and get a goddamn cup of ice, zero calories, no carbs, no sugars, literally nothing. Do me a favor while you’re there, thank each and every employee for me for serving you because I sure as hell wouldn’t want to.
-With love, Bite
Nov 12, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver |
Dear Bite,
I find myself having trouble getting into the Halloween spirit. It seems as if everyone on campus is in full Halloween mode, and I’m stuck here. This may account for the fact that I do not have anyone to “trick-or-treat” with (if you know what I’m saying) I just want someone to do fun things with and maybe howl at the moon with every once in a while…
-Lone(ly) Wolf
Dear Wolf,
It sounds to me like you’re having some trouble with the ladies (or men, we don’t judge here). However, you are right, Halloween is coming right around the corner but take this as an opportunity. Wear a costume each day until Halloween, essentially catfishing everyone in real life. No one will know what you look like and maybe then you’ll become UMF’s sexiest man alive.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
We are at this point in the semester where work is piling up and up and I can’t take it anymore. This work is driving me mad. I have one professor who is super strict with deadlines and I’ve already used the “my nana died” excuse. Is there any way that I can ask for an extension without straight out saying “Yo, I suck at time management and spent the last three days on TikTok instead of doing my paper” or am I doomed?
-Procrastination Nation
Dear Procrastination,
We all know we are in a state of emergency, let’s use that to our advantage here. You have to put on your acting pants for this one so brace yourself. Call your professor up and complain of a terrible cough, loss of taste and smell, fever, chills, maybe even start sneezing over the phone. If your professor is up to date on any news they will want you as far away from them as possible until you’re better. Most likely they won’t even open your emails in fear of catching COVID, buying you some time. Let me know how this goes.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I have a confession I need to get off my chest. I have been writing to you for a little bit now and I think I’ve caught feelings. I may not know who you are, or what you look like but damn, your responses just get me feeling some type of way. Now I know you know who I am through my emails, so if you feel the same way about me, don’t be shy and reach out. I am going out on a limb here and putting my heart on the line so please please please be gentle with your response.
-Hopeless Romantic
Dear Hopeless,
What can I say… To put things plainly, I think your signoff name was very fitting for this piece. “Hopeless”, I have way too many things to do to even think about anything romantic at this point. I will however say that yes I do know who you are (I have received countless emails from you) and to put it simply, I’d just like to keep this relationship professional. Speaking of knowing your identity, no I don’t want to go and howl at the moon with you, sorry.
-Bite
Got a question that needs answering? Let Bite Me Beaver give you some horrible advice! Write into umfdearbeaver@gmail.com.
Oct 13, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver |
Dear Bite,
My newfound boyfriend and I are having some trouble sleeping together (no get your mind out of the gutter I mean like actually sleeping) he is always way too warm and twitches terribly. I wake up and am covered in a pool of drool and sweat. How do I make this better/ stop?
-Sleeping Ugly
Dear Sleeping,
May I suggest a few options, one, you can straight up tell the dude “hey you’re a pig when you sleep, knock it off” or two; make him a bed on the floor like a dog and hope he takes the hint. His feelings being hurt is way less of a big deal than your beauty sleep.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
My girlfriend has been stealing my sweatshirts lately. I’m more of a muscular guy so my clothes are a little bigger for my bulging muscles. She’s 5’2” and she’s swimming in them. How do I keep her from taking my sweatshirts?
-Hunky Hulk
Dear Hulk,
I would suggest stop going to the gym more, pull a power move on this girl. I’m talking no protein powder, no weights, no cardio, nothing. Become so skinny that HER clothes are too big for you and then she resorts to giving you her clothes.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I cannot stop compulsively spending money. I feel as if as soon as my (very little) paycheck is deposited into my account I seem to spend it all. Whether this be at McDonald’s or Walmart or even online shopping. I am so poor it’s not funny anymore.
-Broke College $tudent
Dear College $tudent,
Spending habits are hard to break, so I say why stop? Why not spend every last penny you have on unnecessary things? You deserve it. After all you did study for fifteen minutes for a class that required four plus hours outside of class. Go for it. #TreatYoSelf
-Bite
Got a question that needs answering? Let Bite Me Beaver give you some horrible advice. Write into umfdearbeaver@gmail.com for a chance to get a dam good answer from a beaver that learned how to type.
