Bite Me Beaver

Dear Bite, 

I’ve been struggling with something for awhile now that I really need to get off my chest. I am a single person surrounded by friends who are all couples which is bad enough, but on top of this I absolutely despise one of my friends’ significant others. As far as he knows we get along fine, but in reality I want the significant other gone. My question is: How do I continue? Should I keep my secret? Or totally ruin a great friendship? 

– Surrounded and Concerned

 

Dear Surrounded, 

It is twenty freaking twenty-one and stress isn’t a good look. Some may say ghost the friend or let her down gently but that’s not how we deal with things ‘round these parts. Bake her a cake, like the best friend that you are and make sure the boy toy is over when this happens. Spit is an optional ingredient here but the decoration is a must in this case. Write a cute message on the top something sweet like “choke” or “go home and don’t come back :)”. The message will be subtle and your friend will get the hint. Problem solved!

– Bite

 

 

Dear Bite, 

I am experiencing another “fur”-ustration, this time about The Landing. I see The Landing events advertised on the chalkboard and posters in the student center every day, which inspire me to participate if it sounds like something I would be interested in. However, I always seem to overestimate the number of students who attend the event – I can count the number of beavers who show up on one paw! Once, I absolutely demolished my competition in a “Name that song” contest…because it was me versus one other beaver. I am a “fur”-eshman this year, so my question is: Is this normal attendance for Landing events? Has it always been this way, or is the quarantine apathy affecting The Landing’s popularity?

– Lonely in the Landing

 

Dear Lonely,

I’ll be honest with you, I’m not the director of Student Life so I can’t tell you the analytics of The Landing. However, if you’d like to increase morale at The Landing, turn the place into a personal strip club. Grab some glitter, disco lights, singles, (and a mask) and head on down to The Landing. Easy advertising (and free I might add). Watch the folks gather around, and the lines will be out the door. 

– Bite 

 

Dear Bite, 

I’ve had some trouble starting up my small business. I sell cute secondhand clothes and knick knacks from around my house. I’ve poured my heart and soul into this business and it has flopped terribly. What can I do to entice buyers? Is there a way out of this hole? Help!

– Strapped for Cash

 

Dear Strapped,

It sounds to me that you’re selling your used junk that no one wants. If you’re that desperate for cash I suggest scoping out the market. You have a bunch of twenty-something year old students who are stressed to the max (especially at this point in the semester). I say jack the price up and include a free arrangement of “special” snacks that’ll make them feel good for a while and help them relax. Either that, or grab a garbage bag and toss your junk out. I promise it’s definitely worth it.

– Bite

Bite Me Beaver #6

Dear Bite,

     I have recently been at home, due to everything that has been going on. While I love my family and all, I can’t help but go absolutely insane when dealing with them. I have a part time job while I’m here, and while it gets me out of the house, I don’t know what’s worse–my family or my coworkers? Is there any way for me to last through these next few months without killing someone, or is that just crazy to think in itself?

-Pessimistic Polly

 

Dear Polly, 

    I completely understand where you’re coming from. I too am back at my dam and I swear I’ve gnawed through at least 3 trees already. I’ve been coping by buying my little miracle in a bottle otherwise known as melatonin. That’s right, hibernation is coming early this year folks. Three of them and I’m out like a light, they really have been a saving grace during this time.

-Bite

 

 

Dear Bite,

    I have run myself into a small dilemma (or I should say my heart has). I have started becoming more interested in my teacher than the lesson, if that makes sense. My heart throbs for him and I can’t help but almost drool over him while he lectures. I have gotten to the point where I have to turn my camera off while in class because it’s THAT obvious. Any suggestions…?

-Heart Eyes For Him

 

Dear Heart Eyes,

    Ask to stay after class for “extra help” on Zoom. Profess (no pun intended) your undying love for him, what’s the worst that could happen? He feels too awkward to fail you and risk having you in class again, so he passes you? Yes please! You got this, and remember, Zoom calls are recorded just for future record 😉

-Bite 

 

 

Dear Bite, 

     I am a faculty member here at UMF. Lately my students have been leaving my Zoom calls early. I feel like I’m just talking to an empty space (it doesn’t help that their cameras are off). Is there any way to engage my students more than I already am?

-Fuming While Zooming 

 

Dear Fuming,

     I think you could benefit from reading this article. We have a student who can’t stop staring at her professor during Zoom and yours are running away from you. May I suggest taking more so a Magic Mike method of teaching. Now I’m not saying full on strip for your class (but I’m sure it would help) but just give them a little eye candy during the lecture and I assure you attendance will skyrocket. 

-Bite 

 

 

Dear Bite, 

    I am currently in the Journalism class and I feel like no one reads my pieces. It feels like I’m putting my readers to sleep. Am I not interesting? Do the students at UMF not care about the rising water levels of the Sandy River during the rainy season? What can I do to make my articles more interesting?

-Snoring Boring  

 

Dear Snoring, 

    As an old soul with The Farmington Flyer I often preview articles before they make it into the paper and let’s just say that I find your articles riveting, but your audience doesn’t. I can attest to the falling asleep bit because, well, I have taken a small nap while reading your articles. Try writing about some hot gossip, it’s what the readers want (dare I say need). Or you can stick to writing your dry articles and putting our readers to sleep. I mean, we all need help getting to sleep sometimes.

-Bite