Bite Me Beaver

Dear Bite, 

    I have had some trouble sleeping lately. The stress of school, COVID, and the fact of just pure living has become overwhelming and I can’t sleep. Once I finally get to sleep I am awoken by my roommate thrashing around in her sleep and hitting the wall. Any suggestions?

-Tired Wreck


Dear Tired,

    I too have been feeling the same way lately with classes and whatnot, to get to sleep I pop a few Benadryl and I’m out cold. I know the bottle says take two but I suggest taking at least ten to insure you’ll get to sleep and not wake up. As for the roommate thing, there’s a simple solution, put thirteen inch nails through your wall right about the height of their bed. I assure you, they’ll only thrash once.




Dear Bite,

     I’m at the FRC all the time and this cute guy keeps staring at me. I think he may be into me but I’m not sure if I should go for it or not. What do I do?

-Jacked and Jill


Dear Jacked,

     I would say this guy isn’t staring at you, he’s waiting for the damn machine to be open. When you spend half an hour on the shoulder press preparing this confession, he wants to use the machine. Hop off, and let the poor kid get his exercise in.




Dear Bite,

    I have had some trouble with the dining hall food. The flavor seems to be… lacking, and as for the options well, they’re few and far between. Do you have any food places that seem to suit your fancy?

-Hungry and High End 


Dear Hungry,

    Last time I checked, this was an advice column, not a damn food critic review. Why don’t you hop off your high horse and go to the dining hall and get a goddamn cup of ice, zero calories, no carbs, no sugars, literally nothing. Do me a favor while you’re there, thank each and every employee for me for serving you because I sure as hell wouldn’t want to.

-With love, Bite

Students Willing to Sacrifice Health for Lunch-Time Conversations

by Sam Shirley, Staff Photographer


   Dining has a different look this year in the North Dining Hall. Students are greeted with tables seating only two each in efforts to promote social distancing and reduce the spread of COVID-19. 

    This creates a different dining experience for many, including varsity pickleball team captain Damon Hayward. Hayward tells us, “We used to crowd all twenty of us around one table at lunch time in the dining hall. We were practically sitting on each other’s laps, but it made it easy for us to discuss last night’s game.”

    This year things are different; “They want us to sit six feet away from each other,” says Hayward. “It’s ridiculous, how can we be cool and superior if we aren’t all together in our clique while we eat?”

    However, the rules imposed by administration don’t always deter students from sitting together in large groups. Another team member, Nicole Arlington, told us, “So what? It’s a virus. Some people get sick. Some people die. It probably won’t be us, so I’m willing to take that chance to sit with my friends,” She went on to question, “What are they going to do? Send the police in to tell us that we can’t sit here?”

    Regrettably, at this point our interview with the pickleball team was cut short by Campus Police arriving and dispersing the group. “Believe it or not, there’s more to our job than ensuring each student gets at least one parking ticket during their time at UMF,” stated Campus Police officer Gerald Beckett, when asked about enforcement of social distancing rules.

    Fortunately, not all students share this sentiment about the new socially distanced dining. Fifth-year undergraduate Zachary Peebles stated, “I’ve always sat alone in the dining hall for the past four years anyways. This isn’t much different, except now I’m not the only one sitting alone.”

   At press time, Facilities Management was last seen attaching weights to the chairs, so that if students insisted on moving them, they were at least getting in their daily workout at the same time.


*This article is a work of satire*

The Murderer Behind the Mask

By Anonymous 

    As everyone knows (literally everyone) we have to wear these damned masks around campus nowadays. 

    They’re either floral, or black, or grey, or blue whatever the wearer chooses (seriously whatever). Frankly I myself have seen some major fashion faux pas around campus since the day we got here. I’ve seen abominations from striped masks with a polka dot shirt to a chartreuse mask with an amarillo sweater. 

    Don’t even get me started on the fact that I simply know for a fact that students aren’t washing their masks after they use them. We saw that you missed your mouth and spilled on to your mask and you have the AUDACITY to wear that same mask the next day with the same stain. Who are you fooling? 

    That’s not even the worst part (yes it can get worse), these masks are so uncomfortable it’s so hard to breathe in them. Karens around the world have come together to create a fake religion that allows them to not wear these abominations out anymore. 

   I propose that we follow these middle aged white women who have fits over expired coupons and band together and join them. You know what they say, “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em”. As an act of our rebellion I am planning a “mask release ceremony” where all participating UMF students buy balloons, tie their masks to them, and set them free into the heavens. As implied masks will NOT be worn and social distancing will NOT be in place, shoulder to shoulder we shall stand in solidarity.

    This party will promptly be following Halloweekend where local students have already started showing their support by partying in their dorms with of course, no masks on.

    I am particularly excited to see how many new cases we get on campus after this. “It’s a fun game I like to play with my roommates,” said Senior, Abe Keller at University of Maine at Orono. “We check to see how many cases we’ve gone up by each week and estimate when we’re going to get sent home,”.

    Keller doesn’t care about the virus however, “It’s all a scam, the big pharma companies want you to believe it’s real; somehow Steve Jobs is tied into this I’m sure of it,”. 

     While some students may be reluctant to change the mask policy I do believe that once we all come together and show the virus we aren’t scared of it, all this madness will subside.


This article is purely for satirical purposes. The names in this article do not reflect the views of the individuals.

Ye Olde Beaver

Ye Olde Beaver

Taking a look back at the past 90 years of our campus newspaper and highlighting noteworthy items that perhaps were best forgotten.

Comic of someone looking at two maple trees saying "I'd tap that"

Comic original published The Farmington Flyer in April 2007.






I would too; it looks like a strong and healthy tree. I might even tap it twice, depending on the DBH.

We all love maple syrup, and it’s really too bad that there isn’t the gallon jug of it in the dining hall this year. The corn syrup they have instead just doesn’t do it for us snobby Mainers; we’d rather eat our pancakes dry.

Personally, I’ve started bringing my own bottle of maple syrup with me to the dining hall, but that trend doesn’t seem to have caught on yet.


(Comic originally published in the Farmington Flyer in April 2007)


Bite Me Beaver

Dear Bite,

I find myself having trouble getting into the Halloween spirit. It seems as if everyone on campus is in full Halloween mode, and I’m stuck here. This may account for the fact that I do not have anyone to “trick-or-treat” with (if you know what I’m saying) I just want someone to do fun things with and maybe howl at the moon with every once in a while…

-Lone(ly) Wolf 


Dear Wolf,

It sounds to me like you’re having some trouble with the ladies (or men, we don’t judge here). However, you are right, Halloween is coming right around the corner but take this as an opportunity. Wear a costume each day until Halloween, essentially catfishing everyone in real life. No one will know what you look like and maybe then you’ll become UMF’s sexiest man alive. 



Dear Bite, 

We are at this point in the semester where work is piling up and up and I can’t take it anymore. This work is driving me mad. I have one professor who is super strict with deadlines and I’ve already used the “my nana died” excuse. Is there any way that I can ask for an extension without straight out saying “Yo, I suck at time management and spent the last three days on TikTok instead of doing my paper” or am I doomed?

-Procrastination Nation


Dear Procrastination,

We all know we are in a state of emergency, let’s use that to our advantage here. You have to put on your acting pants for this one so brace yourself. Call your professor up and complain of a terrible cough, loss of taste and smell, fever, chills, maybe even start sneezing over the phone. If your professor is up to date on any news they will want you as far away from them as possible until you’re better. Most likely they won’t even open your emails in fear of catching COVID, buying you some time. Let me know how this goes.



Dear Bite,

I have a confession I need to get off my chest. I have been writing to you for a little bit now and I think I’ve caught feelings. I may not know who you are, or what you look like but damn, your responses just get me feeling some type of way. Now I know you know who I am through my emails, so if you feel the same way about me, don’t be shy and reach out. I am going out on a limb here and putting my heart on the line so please please please be gentle with your response. 

-Hopeless Romantic 


Dear Hopeless,

What can I say… To put things plainly, I think your signoff name was very fitting for this piece. “Hopeless”, I have way too many things to do to even think about anything romantic at this point. I will however say that yes I do know who you are (I have received countless emails from you) and to put it simply, I’d just like to keep this relationship professional. Speaking of knowing your identity, no I don’t want to go and howl at the moon with you, sorry. 



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