Dear Beaver, I really want to eat the mushrooms growing on campus. They look so tasty!!! But all of the mushroom guides say that it will kill me if I take one bite and I’ll bleed out because I’m a horrible forager and I deserve it. Help, – Mushroom Girl
Dear Mushroom Girl, I have good news! I saw in a movie once that poison only hurts you if you have too much of it. But that’s certainly not a good reason to have just a little bit of the forbidden fruit. Eventually your body will build up a tolerance to the poison and you’ll be able to have more and more mushroom! Or you’ll slowly die an agonizing death. One of the two. Either way, just remember that eating poisonous things only makes you a horrible forager if you are trying not to be poisoned! If you are trying to be poisoned then that makes you a great forager!
Dear Bite: My friends told me the moon was full a couple days ago so I went to peek, but when I went outside everything started to hurt and I got really dizzy. I think I might’ve fainted. I’m fine now, but I woke up at 6 a.m. in the swamp behind the FRC and none of my friends are speaking to me anymore. I thought I heard something about Animal Control? Why are they being so distant? — ONCE BITTEN
Dear Bitten, First of all, Don’t panic. We don’t really know what happened, which means that we have to treat this like the scientists that we are. First, get a nice friend that doesn’t mind being in the line of fire of science. Then, look at the moon again. Repeat this tactic until you manage to get a straight answer out of someone concerning what the heck is going on. I mean, it’s not like you have some horrible condition that will hurt loads of people until you figure that exact question out, right?
Dear Bite, Sometimes, like a mewling bird in the wild, I yearn for crumbs of sustenance from my mother’s vomit. However, I am not a young bird, yet rather a poor Beaver at UMF who simply desires the warm, intimate touch of a grilled cheese sandwich. Alas, the dining hall at this campus cannot provide even that much. The closest thing they have are these sandwich melts that are like a grilled cheese but with meat. Oh, woe is me! What am I to do? -Grilled Cheesy
Dear Cheesy, I sympathize with your plight. It actually boggles my small beaver mind that Sodexo is somehow incapable of making such a basic recipe. I could forgive them if this didn’t happen every time, or even if there was some kind of rotation schedule in play, but it seems that Sodexo have literally forgotten how to make grilled cheese the normal way. They just slap whatever meat they have on hand in the thing and call it a day. As for advice, the only way we win this is by showing Sodexo what they are taking from us. And by that I mean literally showing them by dressing up as a giant grilled cheese and protesting the thoughtless addition of meat products in an otherwise perfectly good sandwich. We march until Cheesy justice is fulfilled.