Dear Beaver Bite, I have a bit of a work problem. I’m behind in a few of my classes, and I don’t want my grade to be affected. I keep trying to catch up, but it seems like everytime I do one piece of work, my teachers assign me another one. How do I get ahead of the workload and save my college career? Thanks, -Schedule Stuffing Student
Dear Student, What we have here is a classical overloaded student scenario. See what most people don’t know is that there is a pretty easy trick to get out of this one. Put simply, if you burn any work you receive, you actually won’t end up doing work. To further the effect simply say that “somebody set it on fire” when anyone asks about your work, all while staring at any paper within the room unblinkingly.
Dear Beaver Bite, I think I might be addicted. To coffee, that is. If I don’t have any coffee when I wake up in the morning I have the most terrible headache and I often find myself drinking at least two cups of coffee a day. It’s not that I want to totally remove all caffeine from my life, but how do I wean my coffee addiction down to make sure that I am keeping healthy? -Coffee Connoisseur
You may think that you want to keep healthy, but that is only before we get to you. Soon, you will always want to wake to the smell of coffee. Soon you will hum the “Folgers in your cup” jingle before stopping and viscerally retching because Folgers is actually bad and now you can taste it. Then the gourmet beans come out. And soon you are one of us.
Dear Beaver Bite , I’m afraid for my girlfriend’s time management skills. Lately, she’s been playing more and more Minecraft when she normally would be doing her work, and I think that the Minecraft might be slowly taking over her life. Last week, she even started playing minecraft when we were supposed to be hanging out. How do I get her to stop playing minecraft? -Blocked Boyfriend
The first step is acceptance. Look at that big blocked brute, that constructed work of craftsmanship that is Minecraft. You can’t compete with all of those blocks. So many different types of blocks. What do you have, wooden planks? Have you even finished punching a tree yet? Can you even make a crafting table? The strategy isn’t to get rid of Minecraft, but to cope with the fact that Minecraft is not going away.