Dec 16, 2021 | Bite Me Beaver, Exclusive, Feature, Opinion, Satire |
Dear Beaver Bite, I think my professors do not understand the concept of finals. All of my final projects and papers are not only due the week before finals week, but they are due on a Monday. How do I deal with the torment of teachers who don’t understand that finals weeks exist for a reason? -Stressed Student
Dear Student, If you find yourself with some professors that are having a hard time sticking to the schedule, it might be a good time to remind them that calendars exist. You can prepare it as a nice end of the year gift! Say several hundred? With every other page but December torn out? Make sure you go through each one and underline finals week in red, just to make sure that they get the memo.
Dear Beaver Bite, I’ve noticed that the UMF missed connections instagram page has started up again, and it’s always been something of a dream of mine to meet someone in a chance encounter. Unfortunately, I feel like I’m kind of a boring person. How do I make sure that people will be able to recognize me if someone reaches out to me online? -Restless Romantic
Dear Romantic, Have you considered wearing a feathered boa all the time? If it works for a peacock, then it might just work for you. You don’t even have to stop there, either. If you start trying to imitate a rainbow, you will definitely have some distinct features that people can call out in a post. Make sure that your colors always clash, for that extra special personal touch, and you’ll be known campus wide before you know it.
Dear Beaver Bite, I’ve noticed recently that someone has been messing with my whiteboard on my door and erasing all of my beautiful artwork. How do I get people to stop messing with my whiteboard? -Whiteboard Warrior
Dear Warrior, It’s time to take justice into your own hands. Get your uniform ready, the whiteboard signal is nigh. Who can stop the tyranny of people erasing whiteboards in every dorm hall but you? Go forth and embrace your destiny as super-whiteboard-person, guardian of the dry erase marker. Let no cruel act of erasure go unseen, let no evil vandalism go unpunished! I believe in you!
Nov 15, 2021 | Exclusive, Horoscopes, Opinion |
By Autumn Koors-Foltz, Staff Writer and Astrologer.
Heavy, passionate, and contemplative, welcome to the watery depths of Scorpio season. Lasting until November 21st, Scorpio season is iconic for its intensity of emotion. It’s time to look inward and come to a reminder of yourself. The season isn’t just for long cries in the shower and mysterious auras, but rather, an opportunity to test the natural limits of your emotions and to consider how it connects you to yourself. As a fixed sign, there is a reputation for stubbornness, but rather consider it a buoy or submarine – a stasis in the plunging depths of the sign. As a water sign, Scorpio is the ocean itself, salt and boundless unknowns. Don’t be afraid to take a plunge. Prepare for the full moon on November 19th accompanied by a partial solar eclipse. The solar eclipse begins the next two years of eclipses that will all occur on the Taurus-Scorpio axis, with the sun in Scorpio and the moon in Taurus, or vice versa. Think about loyalty, in all its formations.
ARIES:
What would it feel like to let your everglowing fire dim to just the hottest coals? Challenge yourself to find warmth in minimalism.
TAURUS:
Loyal Taurus, there’s nobody as deeply rocksteady as you: do the people you surround yourself with cherish your devotion?
GEMINI:
Gemini, go deeper. Allow others to know you in the same way you yearn to learn them.
CANCER:
Take the opportunity to focus on you, and only you, this season. What can you learn? What can you harness?
LEO:
There’s no performance like a full moon dressed in an eclipse. Enjoy the show, and be a performer in it.
VIRGO:
Others see what you put yourself through, Virgo. Others see you. It is okay to let yourself be seen.
LIBRA:
Now is the time for a decisiveness that calls all the moisture from your air, Libra – don’t be intimidated, instead, be excited. What would it feel like to stop your flight?
SCORPIO:
There is a drama in levity, Scorpio. Allow yourself to laugh in your season, as all the rain that falls is in your name.
SAGITTARIUS:
Your season is on the horizon. But don’t rush, don’t let the fire consume your feet. Stay a moment.
CAPRICORN:
It’s easy to get lost in the earthen nature of work, but allow yourself some time to process all that’s happened to you. That time is sacred.
AQUARIUS:
Don’t spread yourself so thinly among causes and ideas. Lay it on single, thick, and dance in the heavy wind.
PISCES:
Harden your water for whatever comes your way, Pisces. You may need to cultivate a bit of roughness to endure the season.
Nov 15, 2021 | Bite Me Beaver, Feature, Satire |
Dear Beaver Bite, I have a bit of a work problem. I’m behind in a few of my classes, and I don’t want my grade to be affected. I keep trying to catch up, but it seems like everytime I do one piece of work, my teachers assign me another one. How do I get ahead of the workload and save my college career? Thanks, -Schedule Stuffing Student
Dear Student, What we have here is a classical overloaded student scenario. See what most people don’t know is that there is a pretty easy trick to get out of this one. Put simply, if you burn any work you receive, you actually won’t end up doing work. To further the effect simply say that “somebody set it on fire” when anyone asks about your work, all while staring at any paper within the room unblinkingly.
Dear Beaver Bite, I think I might be addicted. To coffee, that is. If I don’t have any coffee when I wake up in the morning I have the most terrible headache and I often find myself drinking at least two cups of coffee a day. It’s not that I want to totally remove all caffeine from my life, but how do I wean my coffee addiction down to make sure that I am keeping healthy? -Coffee Connoisseur
You may think that you want to keep healthy, but that is only before we get to you. Soon, you will always want to wake to the smell of coffee. Soon you will hum the “Folgers in your cup” jingle before stopping and viscerally retching because Folgers is actually bad and now you can taste it. Then the gourmet beans come out. And soon you are one of us.
Dear Beaver Bite , I’m afraid for my girlfriend’s time management skills. Lately, she’s been playing more and more Minecraft when she normally would be doing her work, and I think that the Minecraft might be slowly taking over her life. Last week, she even started playing minecraft when we were supposed to be hanging out. How do I get her to stop playing minecraft? -Blocked Boyfriend
The first step is acceptance. Look at that big blocked brute, that constructed work of craftsmanship that is Minecraft. You can’t compete with all of those blocks. So many different types of blocks. What do you have, wooden planks? Have you even finished punching a tree yet? Can you even make a crafting table? The strategy isn’t to get rid of Minecraft, but to cope with the fact that Minecraft is not going away.
Nov 15, 2021 | Exclusive, Feature |
By Paige Lusczyk and Jessica Gervais, contributing writers.
‘25
MARY ‘25: …. the sunshine and the four seasons.
‘24
HORISUN ‘24: …. the kindness with those in our community.
NICK ‘24: …. all of the resources on campus i.e. the Thrifty Beaver and Johnson Scholars.
EMILY ‘24: …. my fiance.
‘23
RACHEL ‘23: As a CA, I’m very thankful for the CA staff as well as all health services on campus…. mental health…. physical health.
ABBY ‘23: …. my dogs.
‘22
ALEXIS ‘22: I am thankful to experience in-person classes for my last semester. Although it’s not ideal, it shows the ‘light’ at the end of the tunnel.
Nov 1, 2021 | Exclusive, Feature |
By Lilly Johnson, contributing writer
You may notice students with orange armbands and nerf guns acting erratically on campus this week. No need to be alarmed, the Tabletop Gaming Club is resuming a long-time tradition of ‘Humans vs Zombies’ on campus.
After a three-semester hiatus due to COVID-19, roughly 80 students will engage in a team based game of tag. The goal of the zombies is to eliminate as many humans as possible and vice versa. Once a zombie has ‘infected’ a human, the human is now a zombie and part of that team. Humans can protect themselves with Nerf guns and sock grenades or flails which ‘stun’ the zombies and prevent them from tagging anyone else for 15 minutes. Beyond the basic premise of tag, there are also missions and other engagement events that gather the teams together.
There were a few rules to keep things safe and keep the peace on campus, including mandatory ‘timeout’ hours. The game is not in play on school nights from 12am-6am to encourage students to sleep. No one outside of the game is allowed to be involved by players. There are also certain areas on campus where the game is inactive for safety, such as roads,and places the game is inactive for part of the day such as the lawn near the daycare.
The Tabletop Gaming Club also hosts a spring event, but President Quinlan Boyle said that their fall event is far more popular and this fall especially so. The fall game of ‘Humans vs Zombies’ usually takes place the week before Halloween, but the spring game can take place anytime after the snow melts.
Quinlan and Juniper tabling in the Olsen Student Center on Thursday evening.
