Dear Bite,

    I teach classes that often focus on women’s studies and feminism. In the past I have been told that maybe I should teach fewer texts about women and that my classes would be better if I wasn’t a feminist. What should I do? How should I respond?

-Feminist Professor

Dear Feminist,

    Wow, they sound pretty grumpy over your curriculum. If they smiled more they’d have a better outlook on life–and everyone else’s that they’re trying to manage. Has this time of the month been hard on them? Maybe their place just isn’t in the classroom. If they have any domestic skills, you should encourage this person to try them, you know, out of the goodness of your heart. Because you’re a nice professor.


Dear Bite,

    As my students know, I’m a die-hard follower of the Cleveland Browns football team. Yet, my Brownies do nothing but lose and fill my life with immeasurable sadness. I’m not sure that my heart can withstand being broken every Sunday, and I’ve begun to doubt my loyalty. Should I remain faithful despite the constant sorrow, or is it finally time to become a New England Patriots fan?

-Steven B. Wenz, Assistant Professor of Spanish

Dear Professor Wenz,

    Careful with your talk about loyalty. As soon as the locals hear your doubt, that’s when they get you. It starts with a casual, “Go Patriots,” muttered under the breath as you pass by. Before you know it, you’re waking up in a Brady jersey and you don’t remember how you got it. By the time the Super Bowl arrives you’ll know nothing but the glare of the sun on New England snow and a call towards red on navy blue. Ohio will mean nothing to you. Don’t bother trying to run. It’s The Way Life Should Be.