Dear Bite,

    I was recently talking to this person and we seemed pretty interested in each other, but they pulled a 180 and now they’re dating my best friend. . . Do I wallow in self-pity or do I just drink the sorrows away as I wait for discount candy after Valentines?

-A Legal Non-alcoholic Alcoholic

Dear Non-alcoholic,

    Are you implying that you’re not already wallowing and drinking all time just by nature of being a college student? I don’t buy it. I think you should support your friends’ new romance and show how much you care by really investing yourself in the relationship. Keep a close eye on their dates, maybe even cut eye-holes in a newspaper (or Flyer) to watch, to make sure everything’s safe and on track. They should know you’re there for them, like right there. All the time. You might lose friends and gain a criminal record but it’s all in the name of love.


Dear Bite,

    I’m vegetarian and despite the food being what it is here, I do okay. But last time I went to the Beaver Lodge they were out of veggie nuggets. I’m pretty sure this is where I die. Veggie nuggets are one of my main staples! If they keep running out, what am I going to do? Probably starve. Send help.

-I actually eat more than grass, thanks for asking

Dear Grass-Eater,

    (You know that’s what you really are at heart.) Have you ever heard of doomsday preppers? They’re hell-bent on preparing for whatever apocalypse scenario they think is coming first- like the Yellowstone volcano, nuclear war, climate disaster, etc. Follow their example and get your butt in gear for the end of all veggie nuggets, if it’s not already here. It’s high time to ditch that useless humanity and flimsy social codes and raid the kitchens and other people’s dinners to get those sweet nuggets before they disappear. Wear a gas mask for the aesthetic if you’re into that. 


Dear Bite,

    So I’m a great skier and I just started dating this guy who also thinks he’s great. Problem is, he sucks. But he’s also really competitive. Should I show him how good I really am? He’s really cute though, so I don’t know. . .

-Getting Fresh With More Than Powder

Dear Getting Fresh,

    Break. Him. And his legs. He can’t have that overinflated male confidence if he can’t even get on the skis. And if you still want to keep him because he’s cute, he won’t be able to run away either.