Dec 8, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver |
Dear Bite,
I have recently been at home, due to everything that has been going on. While I love my family and all, I can’t help but go absolutely insane when dealing with them. I have a part time job while I’m here, and while it gets me out of the house, I don’t know what’s worse–my family or my coworkers? Is there any way for me to last through these next few months without killing someone, or is that just crazy to think in itself?
-Pessimistic Polly
Dear Polly,
I completely understand where you’re coming from. I too am back at my dam and I swear I’ve gnawed through at least 3 trees already. I’ve been coping by buying my little miracle in a bottle otherwise known as melatonin. That’s right, hibernation is coming early this year folks. Three of them and I’m out like a light, they really have been a saving grace during this time.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I have run myself into a small dilemma (or I should say my heart has). I have started becoming more interested in my teacher than the lesson, if that makes sense. My heart throbs for him and I can’t help but almost drool over him while he lectures. I have gotten to the point where I have to turn my camera off while in class because it’s THAT obvious. Any suggestions…?
-Heart Eyes For Him
Dear Heart Eyes,
Ask to stay after class for “extra help” on Zoom. Profess (no pun intended) your undying love for him, what’s the worst that could happen? He feels too awkward to fail you and risk having you in class again, so he passes you? Yes please! You got this, and remember, Zoom calls are recorded just for future record 😉
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I am a faculty member here at UMF. Lately my students have been leaving my Zoom calls early. I feel like I’m just talking to an empty space (it doesn’t help that their cameras are off). Is there any way to engage my students more than I already am?
-Fuming While Zooming
Dear Fuming,
I think you could benefit from reading this article. We have a student who can’t stop staring at her professor during Zoom and yours are running away from you. May I suggest taking more so a Magic Mike method of teaching. Now I’m not saying full on strip for your class (but I’m sure it would help) but just give them a little eye candy during the lecture and I assure you attendance will skyrocket.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I am currently in the Journalism class and I feel like no one reads my pieces. It feels like I’m putting my readers to sleep. Am I not interesting? Do the students at UMF not care about the rising water levels of the Sandy River during the rainy season? What can I do to make my articles more interesting?
-Snoring Boring
Dear Snoring,
As an old soul with The Farmington Flyer I often preview articles before they make it into the paper and let’s just say that I find your articles riveting, but your audience doesn’t. I can attest to the falling asleep bit because, well, I have taken a small nap while reading your articles. Try writing about some hot gossip, it’s what the readers want (dare I say need). Or you can stick to writing your dry articles and putting our readers to sleep. I mean, we all need help getting to sleep sometimes.
-Bite
Nov 12, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver, Feature |
Dear Bite,
I have had some trouble sleeping lately. The stress of school, COVID, and the fact of just pure living has become overwhelming and I can’t sleep. Once I finally get to sleep I am awoken by my roommate thrashing around in her sleep and hitting the wall. Any suggestions?
-Tired Wreck
Dear Tired,
I too have been feeling the same way lately with classes and whatnot, to get to sleep I pop a few Benadryl and I’m out cold. I know the bottle says take two but I suggest taking at least ten to insure you’ll get to sleep and not wake up. As for the roommate thing, there’s a simple solution, put thirteen inch nails through your wall right about the height of their bed. I assure you, they’ll only thrash once.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I’m at the FRC all the time and this cute guy keeps staring at me. I think he may be into me but I’m not sure if I should go for it or not. What do I do?
-Jacked and Jill
Dear Jacked,
I would say this guy isn’t staring at you, he’s waiting for the damn machine to be open. When you spend half an hour on the shoulder press preparing this confession, he wants to use the machine. Hop off, and let the poor kid get his exercise in.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I have had some trouble with the dining hall food. The flavor seems to be… lacking, and as for the options well, they’re few and far between. Do you have any food places that seem to suit your fancy?
-Hungry and High End
Dear Hungry,
Last time I checked, this was an advice column, not a damn food critic review. Why don’t you hop off your high horse and go to the dining hall and get a goddamn cup of ice, zero calories, no carbs, no sugars, literally nothing. Do me a favor while you’re there, thank each and every employee for me for serving you because I sure as hell wouldn’t want to.
-With love, Bite
Nov 12, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver |
Dear Bite,
I find myself having trouble getting into the Halloween spirit. It seems as if everyone on campus is in full Halloween mode, and I’m stuck here. This may account for the fact that I do not have anyone to “trick-or-treat” with (if you know what I’m saying) I just want someone to do fun things with and maybe howl at the moon with every once in a while…
-Lone(ly) Wolf
Dear Wolf,
It sounds to me like you’re having some trouble with the ladies (or men, we don’t judge here). However, you are right, Halloween is coming right around the corner but take this as an opportunity. Wear a costume each day until Halloween, essentially catfishing everyone in real life. No one will know what you look like and maybe then you’ll become UMF’s sexiest man alive.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
We are at this point in the semester where work is piling up and up and I can’t take it anymore. This work is driving me mad. I have one professor who is super strict with deadlines and I’ve already used the “my nana died” excuse. Is there any way that I can ask for an extension without straight out saying “Yo, I suck at time management and spent the last three days on TikTok instead of doing my paper” or am I doomed?
-Procrastination Nation
Dear Procrastination,
We all know we are in a state of emergency, let’s use that to our advantage here. You have to put on your acting pants for this one so brace yourself. Call your professor up and complain of a terrible cough, loss of taste and smell, fever, chills, maybe even start sneezing over the phone. If your professor is up to date on any news they will want you as far away from them as possible until you’re better. Most likely they won’t even open your emails in fear of catching COVID, buying you some time. Let me know how this goes.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I have a confession I need to get off my chest. I have been writing to you for a little bit now and I think I’ve caught feelings. I may not know who you are, or what you look like but damn, your responses just get me feeling some type of way. Now I know you know who I am through my emails, so if you feel the same way about me, don’t be shy and reach out. I am going out on a limb here and putting my heart on the line so please please please be gentle with your response.
-Hopeless Romantic
Dear Hopeless,
What can I say… To put things plainly, I think your signoff name was very fitting for this piece. “Hopeless”, I have way too many things to do to even think about anything romantic at this point. I will however say that yes I do know who you are (I have received countless emails from you) and to put it simply, I’d just like to keep this relationship professional. Speaking of knowing your identity, no I don’t want to go and howl at the moon with you, sorry.
-Bite
Got a question that needs answering? Let Bite Me Beaver give you some horrible advice! Write into umfdearbeaver@gmail.com.
Oct 13, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver |
Dear Bite,
My newfound boyfriend and I are having some trouble sleeping together (no get your mind out of the gutter I mean like actually sleeping) he is always way too warm and twitches terribly. I wake up and am covered in a pool of drool and sweat. How do I make this better/ stop?
-Sleeping Ugly
Dear Sleeping,
May I suggest a few options, one, you can straight up tell the dude “hey you’re a pig when you sleep, knock it off” or two; make him a bed on the floor like a dog and hope he takes the hint. His feelings being hurt is way less of a big deal than your beauty sleep.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
My girlfriend has been stealing my sweatshirts lately. I’m more of a muscular guy so my clothes are a little bigger for my bulging muscles. She’s 5’2” and she’s swimming in them. How do I keep her from taking my sweatshirts?
-Hunky Hulk
Dear Hulk,
I would suggest stop going to the gym more, pull a power move on this girl. I’m talking no protein powder, no weights, no cardio, nothing. Become so skinny that HER clothes are too big for you and then she resorts to giving you her clothes.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
I cannot stop compulsively spending money. I feel as if as soon as my (very little) paycheck is deposited into my account I seem to spend it all. Whether this be at McDonald’s or Walmart or even online shopping. I am so poor it’s not funny anymore.
-Broke College $tudent
Dear College $tudent,
Spending habits are hard to break, so I say why stop? Why not spend every last penny you have on unnecessary things? You deserve it. After all you did study for fifteen minutes for a class that required four plus hours outside of class. Go for it. #TreatYoSelf
-Bite
Got a question that needs answering? Let Bite Me Beaver give you some horrible advice. Write into umfdearbeaver@gmail.com for a chance to get a dam good answer from a beaver that learned how to type.
Sep 29, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver |
Dear Bite,
Dude…. this mask acne…. I can’t anymore. My chin hasn’t seen a breakout like this since the middle school days of bad patchy peach fuzz and a constant oil sheen over my face. The hell do I do? Look I know we’re all wearing masks 90% of the time but there’s gonna be at least a minute or two when someone’s gotta see this face and it may as well be pretty.
-Maskne
Dear Maskne,
All of us are going through the same exact thing, I promise you no one is going to judge you or your broken out face. My best advice is to take a trip to Walmart (as if you weren’t going to go this weekend already) and get yourself some CeraVe scrub and invest in a clear mask. As embarrassing as it may seem at least your peers will be able to see your shining face (and you’ll feel better too).
-Bite
Dear Bite,
With fall coming, so are my seasonal allergies. And the moment someone sneezes these days everyone dives for cover like it’s a war zone. What do I do when I sneeze in class and everyone thinks it’s corona?
-you know which dwarf I’d be
Dear Sneezy,
Allergies suck, point blank period. I say that you hold in every single urge to sneeze until you explode. There may be another route where you just stop caring in class and sneeze until your heart’s content along with keeping a secret stash of Claritin in your backpack as well.
-Bite
Dear Bite,
My roommates have been non-stop doing the WAP dance and it’s becoming a problem. In the car, in the dorm, through headphones on the way to class. Literally everywhere! I just so empowered when I hear the Cardi B tell me she wants that Big Mac truck in that little garage.
-WAP addict
Dear WAP addict,
As a fellow WAP addict I completely agree with your pain and frustration in regards to listening to that damn song all the time. I myself have managed to wean myself off of the song by listening to some Megan Thee Stallion (Captain Hook is a personal favorite). While still feeling empowered I get the thrill of catchy words while not constantly hearing Cardi B on loop
-Bite
Mar 13, 2020 | Bite Me Beaver, Exclusive |
Want to hear from Bite and get some (not so) DAM GOOD ADVICE? Write in to umfdearbeaver@gmail.com for a chance to hear back from a beaver that learned to type!
Dear Bite,
The Rocky Horror table in the student center keeps trying to sell me edible dicks and vaginas. I really want to buy one but it makes me a little uncomfortable. How do I overcome my uncomfortableness?
-Scared Dickless
Dear Scared Dickless,
Oh, you sweet summer child. Of course, you’re uncomfortable- instinctually you have to know that with one lick of those lollipops it’s all over for you. You think you’re just buying candy but before you know it, you’re not just back for more, but you look down to pull change from your pockets and you’re wearing fishnets and heels, and you can’t remember where you got them. You can’t run away because now you can only strut and shake that ass with every step. All you know is absolute pleasure. It’s called a cult classic for a reason. But seriously, buy the damn candy and give us money because we’re very poor and won’t know what to do with our weird, kinky selves if we don’t have a show.
___________________________________________________________________________________________________
Dear Bite,
My e-board underling quit out of nowhere without any word of warning and none of us have heard from them since. Do you think they’re dead? And if not, should I arrange that?
-One of Many Dying Clubs
Dear Dying,
I too struggle with object permanence and assume that once I can’t see my staff, they must be dead, because where else would they rather be than at my meetings with me yelling at them? I’d suggest starting a search party, but you might want to go straight for the funeral. You might think you’ll see them charging in, yelling, “I’m not dead!” but given the campus’s haunted reputation, it’s probably a ghost. If you throw a crucifix at them hard enough, the spirit should quiet down.
Dearest Readers,
I know you probably picked this up just to read the back page and then toss this paper somewhere (like multiple people have told me to my face. You know who you are), and that’s cool, I can’t force you open the paper and read the amazing stories inside that we spent literally hours on. But have you ever thought of maybe contributing to the supply that you demand and I don’t know… SENDING ME QUESTIONS? The email is RIGHT. THERE. Please. I don’t make this stuff up. Help a mean beaver out.
