Dear Bite,

I keep getting late night texts from this guy, asking if I want to get coffee or see a movie but I’m not sure if he’s being friendly or trying to flirt. Should I ask, and how do I do that without making things weird?

-Missing Signals

Dear Signals,

Make coffee for him and write at the bottom of his cup, “You’re poisoned. Date me for the antidote.” Whether or not there’s actually poison is up to you, I hear placebo effects are pretty wild. This is how the truest of loves begin.


Dear Bite,

It’s your mother. I just wanted to check in because you haven’t called in awhile. Do you know your cousin just got engaged to a doctor? Funny, I can’t remember the last time you brought someone home for dinner. One of my best friends in college was gay, you know, and we were friends for years.

-Love, Mom

God dammit Mom,

How did you even find out about this column? You can’t say things like that, it’s rude. . .my friends read this and now they’re going to think I’m weird- well, weirder than usual. And maybe I’d bring people home to visit, if say, I don’t know, you’d stop asking about marriage and grandkids.


Dear Bite,

Someone at the Flyer table told me that I can use the backpage with your column to dry my tears if heavy news on the inside makes me cry. That won’t give me paper cuts on my eyes will it?

-This just in, I’m a little emotional

Dear Emotional,

I guarantee you that eyeball paper cuts will absolutely distract you from your sadness. But maybe since you’re trying to get advice from the other Flyer staff, instead of listening my wisdom, this how natural selection gets you.

Bite-Me-Beaver: Our Horrible Advice Column

Dear Bite,

I am a moderator for HvZ, and the past few semesters have been boring. The missions are always the same, and the players are getting to settled in the status quo. I can’t think of any fun ways to spice up the gameplay. Got any good ideas?

-Bored to Undeath

Dear Undead,

Medical science has achieved some amazing things. Wouldn’t it be wild if somehow, a petri dish (or two, if you’re not a coward) of a rare disease just happened to. . .disappear from the biology labs? And perhaps, break upon the pavement during game play? Decide if you want to be a moderator, or the moderator.


Dear Bite,

I have practicum this semester and I’m assigned to a middle school health class. I’m so prepared to teach, but I don’t understand the modern middle-schooler. I’m worried that I’m not hip or cool enough to make them respect me. Their lingo doesn’t make any sense. I can’t find this vape nation on any map, nor do I understand their obsession with increments of 14 days. What can I do to learn more about the modern child?

-Stuck in the timeline God abandoned

Dear Abandoned,

You don’t want their respect, you want their fear. At this age, those kids are meme-obsessed, demonic little gremlins that will mow down anyone who tries to appease them. Establish yourself as one of the Ancient Ones- one who created the first memes. You know, Bad Luck Brian, Overly Attached Girlfriend. Screw their current, pop-cultures references and slam with the stock format of a single subject framed by white and black block letters, with a set, thematic punchline. Make them understand where you’ve been, what you’ve seen, how it is to be raised in the trenches with the remains of long-dead memes.


Dear Bite,

I’ve only been dating my significant other for a short time, and with Valentine’s day here, I don’t know how seriously to take the day. Is it awkward to plan something special if we’re not at that level, or would seem like I don’t care if I do nothing?

-Sgt. Pepper’s Confused Hearts Club Band

Dear Sgt. Pepper,

Easy- tell your SO, “Babe, I got us matching bracelets!” Then handcuff yourself to them. You’ll be at a real special level by the end of the day.