The Bite Me Beaver – October 2021

Dear Bite, My room does not have a thermostat and it gets a bit warm, even with the windows open. I am a chilly b***h and I like the slightly cooler climates, but the radiator gives heat that I don’t need or want. How can I stop the unwanted/wasted heat from escaping the windows without baking me or our precious, precious earth? – Polar Bear

Well Polar, I don’t know much about your human heating systems, but I’m pretty sure if you break the heating system of your building the radiator stops working. But that’s too easy. We need to do more. We need to make sure the radiator never works in your room ever again. So when you break the heating system of your building, don’t just break it with an axe or something like that. Burn that sucker until there is nothing left but a heap of molten slag. Your radiator won’t give you any trouble, and it’ll be ironic as hell.

 

Dear Bite, My roommate’s parents came over for the family fall fest, but I find them to be really annoying people. I can tell that my roommate can read the vibe, because they keep apologizing to me. How can I survive Family Fall Fest without broadcasting how annoyed I am with my roommates parents? -Restless Roomate

Well Roomate, the biggest problem here seems to be an issue of communication. While it might not seem like it, being open about problems is often healthier than keeping it all in. So start keeping score. Purchase a megaphone and a referee costume, and start shouting foul every single time that either of your roommate’s parents does anything to annoy you. Make sure that they are aware about how you feel at all times, even when nobody else is paying attention to you. And if all else fails, at least you can drown them out with noise!

 

Dear Bite, I don’t know how I can deal with all of this stress. I was fine just a few weeks ago, but it feels like everything has picked up all of a sudden, and everything is happening at once. How can I deal with all of the work that my classes are giving me and still have time to actually talk to other people? -Flustered Frosh 

Well Frosh, I have a lot of experience in being busy. Dam construction is a hot business this year! For your case specifically I would recommend that you spend a lot of time not sleeping. You might be really tired for the first 72 hours, but after that you’ll probably start to hallucinate! That won’t make you less tired or anything though, unfortunately. At least it’ll give you something to think about instead of all the things you have to do!

The Bite Me Beaver – September 2021

Dear Bite, I’m a freshman, and currently my roommate is eating all my snacks. I have told them to ask first, but they are repeatedly ignoring my requests. Please, Bite, what should I do? -Woeful Foodie

Well foodie, If I was you I would consider other food options. Moldy cheese, for example or maybe baby food. Just go to the store and put everything that disgusts you in one big cart. I promise that if you don’t want to eat it, your roommate won’t either!

 

Dear Bite, I’m a freshman, and every Friday the room next to me gets super loud. I don’t want to be a bother, but I usually do want to be able to relax with my roommate during that time, even if it is not quiet hours. What should I do? -Relaxation Station

Well Station,  for now I would recommend that you do nothing. Spend the next few Fridays listening to all the noise, simmering in rage. When you feel that your rage is somewhere between “your father driving” and “stubbing your toe” that’s when you will know it is time to act. Go out and buy some really dark red spray paint, the kind that looks uncomfortably like blood, and spray paint “Noisy people are the first to go” on their door in bold letters. Blood sacrifice and chanting are optional parts of the process, but should be fun nonetheless. Enjoy!

 

Dear Bite, Recently I’ve started really crushing on this girl, but I don’t really know how to talk to her. We’re only in one class together, and we don’t really have any mutual friends. What do I do? -Big Simp Energy

Well Simp, you’re going about this the wrong way. Small things like getting to know the other person matter little for an enlightened being as yourself. What you need is to make an investment. Put some work in.  Get a full mariachi band to follow her around campus serenading her. Get to know her friends so they can sneak her your romantic poetry. Hire a blimp to ask her on your first date. And of course, if all of this does not work, print out your bank paperwork so you can spend your nights crying over all the money you’ve lost instead of your recent rejection. You can’t be sad for two reasons at once right?

Students Willing to Sacrifice Health for Lunch-Time Conversations

by Sam Shirley, Staff Photographer

 

   Dining has a different look this year in the North Dining Hall. Students are greeted with tables seating only two each in efforts to promote social distancing and reduce the spread of COVID-19. 

    This creates a different dining experience for many, including varsity pickleball team captain Damon Hayward. Hayward tells us, “We used to crowd all twenty of us around one table at lunch time in the dining hall. We were practically sitting on each other’s laps, but it made it easy for us to discuss last night’s game.”

    This year things are different; “They want us to sit six feet away from each other,” says Hayward. “It’s ridiculous, how can we be cool and superior if we aren’t all together in our clique while we eat?”

    However, the rules imposed by administration don’t always deter students from sitting together in large groups. Another team member, Nicole Arlington, told us, “So what? It’s a virus. Some people get sick. Some people die. It probably won’t be us, so I’m willing to take that chance to sit with my friends,” She went on to question, “What are they going to do? Send the police in to tell us that we can’t sit here?”

    Regrettably, at this point our interview with the pickleball team was cut short by Campus Police arriving and dispersing the group. “Believe it or not, there’s more to our job than ensuring each student gets at least one parking ticket during their time at UMF,” stated Campus Police officer Gerald Beckett, when asked about enforcement of social distancing rules.

    Fortunately, not all students share this sentiment about the new socially distanced dining. Fifth-year undergraduate Zachary Peebles stated, “I’ve always sat alone in the dining hall for the past four years anyways. This isn’t much different, except now I’m not the only one sitting alone.”

   At press time, Facilities Management was last seen attaching weights to the chairs, so that if students insisted on moving them, they were at least getting in their daily workout at the same time.

 

*This article is a work of satire*

The Murderer Behind the Mask

By Anonymous 

    As everyone knows (literally everyone) we have to wear these damned masks around campus nowadays. 

    They’re either floral, or black, or grey, or blue whatever the wearer chooses (seriously whatever). Frankly I myself have seen some major fashion faux pas around campus since the day we got here. I’ve seen abominations from striped masks with a polka dot shirt to a chartreuse mask with an amarillo sweater. 

    Don’t even get me started on the fact that I simply know for a fact that students aren’t washing their masks after they use them. We saw that you missed your mouth and spilled on to your mask and you have the AUDACITY to wear that same mask the next day with the same stain. Who are you fooling? 

    That’s not even the worst part (yes it can get worse), these masks are so uncomfortable it’s so hard to breathe in them. Karens around the world have come together to create a fake religion that allows them to not wear these abominations out anymore. 

   I propose that we follow these middle aged white women who have fits over expired coupons and band together and join them. You know what they say, “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em”. As an act of our rebellion I am planning a “mask release ceremony” where all participating UMF students buy balloons, tie their masks to them, and set them free into the heavens. As implied masks will NOT be worn and social distancing will NOT be in place, shoulder to shoulder we shall stand in solidarity.

    This party will promptly be following Halloweekend where local students have already started showing their support by partying in their dorms with of course, no masks on.

    I am particularly excited to see how many new cases we get on campus after this. “It’s a fun game I like to play with my roommates,” said Senior, Abe Keller at University of Maine at Orono. “We check to see how many cases we’ve gone up by each week and estimate when we’re going to get sent home,”.

    Keller doesn’t care about the virus however, “It’s all a scam, the big pharma companies want you to believe it’s real; somehow Steve Jobs is tied into this I’m sure of it,”. 

     While some students may be reluctant to change the mask policy I do believe that once we all come together and show the virus we aren’t scared of it, all this madness will subside.

 

This article is purely for satirical purposes. The names in this article do not reflect the views of the individuals.