Students Willing to Sacrifice Health for Lunch-Time Conversations

by Sam Shirley, Staff Photographer


   Dining has a different look this year in the North Dining Hall. Students are greeted with tables seating only two each in efforts to promote social distancing and reduce the spread of COVID-19. 

    This creates a different dining experience for many, including varsity pickleball team captain Damon Hayward. Hayward tells us, “We used to crowd all twenty of us around one table at lunch time in the dining hall. We were practically sitting on each other’s laps, but it made it easy for us to discuss last night’s game.”

    This year things are different; “They want us to sit six feet away from each other,” says Hayward. “It’s ridiculous, how can we be cool and superior if we aren’t all together in our clique while we eat?”

    However, the rules imposed by administration don’t always deter students from sitting together in large groups. Another team member, Nicole Arlington, told us, “So what? It’s a virus. Some people get sick. Some people die. It probably won’t be us, so I’m willing to take that chance to sit with my friends,” She went on to question, “What are they going to do? Send the police in to tell us that we can’t sit here?”

    Regrettably, at this point our interview with the pickleball team was cut short by Campus Police arriving and dispersing the group. “Believe it or not, there’s more to our job than ensuring each student gets at least one parking ticket during their time at UMF,” stated Campus Police officer Gerald Beckett, when asked about enforcement of social distancing rules.

    Fortunately, not all students share this sentiment about the new socially distanced dining. Fifth-year undergraduate Zachary Peebles stated, “I’ve always sat alone in the dining hall for the past four years anyways. This isn’t much different, except now I’m not the only one sitting alone.”

   At press time, Facilities Management was last seen attaching weights to the chairs, so that if students insisted on moving them, they were at least getting in their daily workout at the same time.


*This article is a work of satire*

The Murderer Behind the Mask

By Anonymous 

    As everyone knows (literally everyone) we have to wear these damned masks around campus nowadays. 

    They’re either floral, or black, or grey, or blue whatever the wearer chooses (seriously whatever). Frankly I myself have seen some major fashion faux pas around campus since the day we got here. I’ve seen abominations from striped masks with a polka dot shirt to a chartreuse mask with an amarillo sweater. 

    Don’t even get me started on the fact that I simply know for a fact that students aren’t washing their masks after they use them. We saw that you missed your mouth and spilled on to your mask and you have the AUDACITY to wear that same mask the next day with the same stain. Who are you fooling? 

    That’s not even the worst part (yes it can get worse), these masks are so uncomfortable it’s so hard to breathe in them. Karens around the world have come together to create a fake religion that allows them to not wear these abominations out anymore. 

   I propose that we follow these middle aged white women who have fits over expired coupons and band together and join them. You know what they say, “if you can’t beat ‘em join ‘em”. As an act of our rebellion I am planning a “mask release ceremony” where all participating UMF students buy balloons, tie their masks to them, and set them free into the heavens. As implied masks will NOT be worn and social distancing will NOT be in place, shoulder to shoulder we shall stand in solidarity.

    This party will promptly be following Halloweekend where local students have already started showing their support by partying in their dorms with of course, no masks on.

    I am particularly excited to see how many new cases we get on campus after this. “It’s a fun game I like to play with my roommates,” said Senior, Abe Keller at University of Maine at Orono. “We check to see how many cases we’ve gone up by each week and estimate when we’re going to get sent home,”.

    Keller doesn’t care about the virus however, “It’s all a scam, the big pharma companies want you to believe it’s real; somehow Steve Jobs is tied into this I’m sure of it,”. 

     While some students may be reluctant to change the mask policy I do believe that once we all come together and show the virus we aren’t scared of it, all this madness will subside.


This article is purely for satirical purposes. The names in this article do not reflect the views of the individuals.